Animals that don't Exist

The Two-legged Pig

The two-legged pig, Sus duocruris, is a relatively new member to the Sus genus, which encompasses all pigs. But despite its young age, it has already had a large impact on our society, as most of us are aware of.

The two-legged pig is a master of disguise, and can easily pass for human from a distance. This is essential for its survival, since it inhabits almost exclusively urban areas. In cases where its true identity has been spotted, two-legged pigs are chased out of town, or, in more extreme cases, gutted, hamstrung, and then fried, boiled or salted, depending on local customs. The reasons for this anger is obvious if we take a closer look at the behavior of two-legged pigs.

Instead of rummaging through trashcans or depending on leftovers, the two-legged pig is a master swindler, and a great orator. Thanks to its ability to mimick human behavior, and its astute powers of observation, it can easily adopt behavior that puts human spectators at ease, and, in the long run, diminishes their brain-activity. Once the victim is thus entranced, the two-legged pig will then proceed, through visual and audio cues playing to the human unconscious, to relieve its crowd of most of its belongings (the two-legged pig prefers cash, but, as most members of its genus, will get whatever it can, whenever it can).

The population size of the two-legged pig is hard to estimate, due to its camouflage, but scientists believe it is growing steadily. Worst-case scenarios have been presented where models estimate that by the end of the 21^st century, two-legged pigs will outnumber humans in political and financial roles. How to stop the rise of the two-legged pig, however, remains open for debate. While some are in favor of encouraging education (which will make it easier to see through the two-legged pig's charade), others advocate genetic tests on all members of risk groups, to make sure they are indeed human, and not two-legged pigs. Others still insist that the two-legged pig is myth, and no cause for concern. A member of the latter group has recently been gutted, hamstrung, and grilled, to the delight of pig-haters and barbeque enthusiasts alike.

For a more detailed description of the evolution and behavior of the two-legged pig, please refer to George Orwell's “Animal Farm”, which remains one of the seminal works on the subject.